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When are you getting married? When are you having children? For women who don’t follow the traditional timeline, the questions can feel endless. This piece explores the pressure to explain choices that shouldn’t need defending.
Ah, as I continue to bask in the insidious, backhanded, out of timing comments like “What are you waiting for, hurry up and get married, time is running out, your eggs are probably powder by now, what’s wrong with you, can’t you find a man and make a child?, my armor has had to become stronger. If you listen to some family members, strangers, and concerned friends, getting married and having children completes you. You are nothing if you haven’t achieved these things in life. Apparently, the average person on the street thinks that we are comfortable choosing the life of binging Netflix, a nice hot corn soup for dinner, and being able to roll around in our bed, right? No lies told here! But hold on to your unused wombs because this article hopefully will not only be humorous and relevant but relatable to some.
Family Commentaries
The not so subtle interrogation begins.
“ So, still no potential prospects on the horizon? ”
“ You know nobody is perfect right? ”
“ You know, you still have time to settle down ”
These are just a fraction of what is usually said in front of my face. Who knows what goes on behind my back. They make it sound so easy and compare their lovely moments in time to the current social climate that exists. It is not like I am against expanding the family but as I always tell people, it is in God’s timing not mine. It is interesting that the conclusion is always that you are aggressive, picky or your standards are too high. Why can ’ t it be that you are not willing to settle? The immense pressure that society puts on women to marry and have children stems historically from the context of attitudes that continue to shape how women are viewed and treated even in 2026. According to research by McGoldrick and Shibusawa, society often expects women to fulfill “the trad wife” roles and this pressure is burdensome for those who are unable to follow this path. These questions that are put forward by the family are designed to place women’s worth in having a man and making a baby.
Fallacy#1: “You don’t want babies.”
Oh, how this assumption infuriates me to the core of my soul. This statement is usually followed by the intense looks of pity or frustration depending on who is the deliverer of the said question.
We childless women face this on a daily basis. According to Sandberg, societal expectations often shove women towards marriage and motherhood combined, and those who don’t“ fall in line” are often met with disdain. The fact of the matter is, some of us actually want babies, while some of us haven’t found the one or have faced fertility issues that are private matters that are not up for discussion at family gatherings.
I remember taking my mom to the doctor, and he decided to turn the tables on me and literally shouted at me, “How old are you again, what are you waiting for? Just find a man and have a child”. The audacity! I was so taken aback but I kept my composure and calmly told him I am happy just the way I am as he continued to lecture me about waiting too long and the problems with a geriatric pregnancy and genetic diseases. How he treated me in that office is etched in my memory forever as he made me feel bad for not having a man and not having children which was further from the truth.
Fallacy#2: “All of this education that you are attaining and climbing the corporate ladder is not going to keep you warm at night.”
The career woman that is too busy to have a family! In the minds of some men and women too, we are too busy educating ourselves and looking for business opportunities to see a man outside our doors on bended knee with a ring.
If I had a dollar for every time I heard, “You work too much, take some time to find a man”, I’d be a millionaire.
Hays (1996) explains that career-oriented women are often stereotyped as being too engrossed in professional success to care about family life. But here is the thing, working hard does not inhibit us from having relationships.
It has been well established that some women can do both and some use it as a coping mechanism due to the hurt and pain they have gone through at the hands of the “apex predator.”
Yes, I said it!
Hater’s incoming!
Fallacy#3: “You’ re just too particular aka picky.”
The eyes are rolling with this one! This one really makes the hulk want to get up from under her blanket where she is safely tucked away. If you are still single, you are the problem or you have an impossible checklist or you are a gold-digger.
I would like to know when it became a problem to have standards like loyalty, safety, respect, deep conversations, equality along with some romance? Fairy tales ruined a lot of us thinking that we need a savior. People have and will always be flawed. As I like to say, “You have to decide what you are willing to tolerate as a man or woman in a relationship.”
But this idea of “being particular or picky” is really us women wanting to control our own lives and be left alone in peace. As Coontz points out in her examination of the history of marriage, women’s desire to marry for love or for a partner who respects their autonomy is often perceived as being “too picky” or having unrealistic expectations. The truth is some women are just not willing to settle and have no problem waiting. It is other people who have issues and love villainizing us; saying we are trying to stop God’ s plan for us. We are the bad guys!
Fallacy#4: “You’re scaring men off with your strong aura.”
Many years ago, I went to a therapy session and had a female therapist tell me my aura is too strong and I need to be softer to attract a man. This messed me up for a while but then I quickly realized that if speaking my mind when it is needed, being autonomous and ambitious makes me intimidating to men, well as the late great Ray Charles beautifully sang, “Hit the Road Jack”.
This dangerous narrative led me to believe that I was the problem. She was basically telling me to dim my light. Little did she know, “I love to shine bright like a diamond” and blind people like Rihanna says.
According to Anderson and Perrin (2017), women who are successful or assertive in their careers are often labeled as “intimidating,” a quality that supposedly drives men away. Food for thought: Men, why don’t you appreciate us just the way we are. We are not here to make you feel less than, we just want to love you and be loved in return. Apparently that is too much for some of you all because of your unaddressed childhood trauma.
The unspoken quiet battle
The unspoken part of this entire scenario is that some of us are dealing with infertility. These are factors that are sometimes out of our hands. The insensitive comments and judgmental looks that most of us get are unbearable at times but people just don’t know the harm they inflict and the hateful rhetoric that they project upon us childless unmarried women that causes psychological damage.
People are so worried about our legacy, if we will find the right partner, or doctors telling us that our chances are slim to none and why we waited so long like it is our fault. The struggle is real, but nobody really cares. They would rather make their snarky comments and give us the side eye.
We are all good over here
What society as a whole often fails to understand is that being older, childless and unmarried doesn’t mean you’re living in some state of tear-soaked faces, crumpled tissues woe is me matrix. We’re out here living our lives and pursuing our passions and yes, sometimes swiping left and right. No pining allowed here.
The world is our oyster.
One time, I was asked if I have regrets. I thank God every single day that I didn’t settle and procreate with the options that I had on the table. Let’s call it a series of unfortunate events but I kept trying which is the important part. I was laughing and talking with my best friend the other day and I was telling her that this joyful conversation would have been so different had I settled. I would have been complaining and in tears all the time.
Shifting the Conversation
Relationships and children should not define us. We have the right not to settle and have everything our hearts desire. It may look different to some people who are not willing to be open, but the fact is that we have goals and we should not be shunned and pressured to bend to society’s will.
Life sometimes gives you lemons, and you must learn to make lemonade. This is the way!
We childless unmarried women dance to the beat of a different drum, and we are content until God, or the universe decides to shake things up for us. What is meant for us, will not pass us.
If you’re reading this and you have been looked down on or seen as less than for not conforming: You’re not alone. Don’t let society dictate our pace. We are and will always be enough.
I will end with the poignant words of the beautiful actress Tracey Ellis Ross, “The childless women have been mothering the world and elevating the culture as aunties, godmothers, teachers, mentors, sisters, friends and the list goes on.”
If The Unrelenting Persecution of the Older, Childless, Unmarried felt familiar, stay with us.
Cocoa & Coconut tells stories Caribbean women are living – across the islands and the diaspora.
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